i want

"dear god,
i want a job,
i dont want to lose good friends,
i want to add to my list of really good friends,
i want to go to a concert where U2, GnR and aerosmith play in the same night,
i want to feel the happiness of being in love, hmmm.. "I am in love with the idea of being in love"
i want to learn to let go of everything and not hold onto to anything,
i want to watch a live formula one race,
i want to learn to play guitar,
i want to just take off every now and then to some really peaceful place,
i want the patience of a sage,
i want i want i want...........

when i sit down to write things that i want or things people want, i can think million more things than the list above.

Do i feel incomplete? may be. do i feel completely confident of things? may be not.
but the place i stand right now, is it the worst place ever? may be not.

i just feel absolutely selfish to ask so many things. i sometimes feel that being a "creature of circumstance" is something i have become."


hmmmm, that was nice reading my friend. there are people with nothing but just a peice of cloth to wrap themselves up, a street ligtt pole as a backrest, its light their only light, no roof to shelter them from the cold biting life.

(i wanted to put a pic, but seeing how some people suffer, i just don't have the heart to put a pic of a kid who is already half dead due to hunger and poverty. Frankly that would just make me think even more less of myself.)

sometimes i hate God for making people's lives so unequal.

one random thought

"in the evening when i go for a walk...there is an empty packet pressed flat on the road which has raleigh written on it....everyday i take a look at it ......i donno why.......i haven't even picked it up to throw it in the bin.."


by the way i really don't expect all of you to understand the exact meaning of this.
one meaning is quite literal. Raleigh is a name of a place, and I am (in) Raleigh.
the other, i probably don't wanna mention.

hail destiny...

if destiny controls all of us, why do we even have to try hard for anything, eventually destiny will put us where we were meant to be right?
why should we eat, destiny will anyways give us the energy we require to do what destiny wants right?
why should we sleep, destiny will anyways give us the peace of mind that’s allotted to us right?
why should we even talk or write, destiny will speak for us when its required right?
I just wonder who gave this destiny so much of control and why the hell do we say we are living our own lives when so many things in our lives are not an outcome of our own actions.

"sing for the laughter
sing for the tear
sing with me," (Dream On - Aeromsith)
cheers to destiny......

how easy life would be if this is 'always' true......

"Sometimes our fate resembles a fruit tree in winter. Who would think that those branches would turn green again and blossom? but we hope it, we know it..."
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

raging waters..

"Dance when you are broken open,
Dance when you have torn the bandages off,
Dance in the middle of the fighting,
Dance in your blood,
Dance when you are 'prefectly' free. "
-R and a YOU and an EM and an I

he said
"What can I say….YOU are the best part about me!! :-) .. and without you..I will always feel incomplete…" ...
now what can i say..

beatlesomania!

This is the most amazing music experience i have ever had(may be there were a few more which i might mention later). The whole Beatles collection, the official autobiography (which i am yet to read apart from seeing the pictures inside them a lot of times!), Bose earphones (which i am extremely proud of buying one after a couple of years of debating its price!) and my ever so faithful ipod with the entire Beatles collection! ok i know i am 'Bose'ting, but seriously, music like this, i have seldom experienced!

changes

its weird when you see things change around you so quickly, well for one you never seem to be ready for it. one thing i got to learn in the past few days is simply that things and people change, when time had carried you 'away'. one of life's saddest times is when you look around and see that there is no one actually with you. there are people who want to be with you, but no one seems to come forward. i look around, there are new things, new relationships, new people, subtle changes that I failed to notice all these days. i know this guy, who seemed to be on top of things. but now he has been stopped on the tracks, praying there is nothing coming at him. I found this nice quote (actually a line from a song). I don't want to quote it exactly, but this is the gist of what it says. It says that there are sometimes when we have lost something, we do not bother about where we are or what we are doing, we just keep thinking about what we lost. But the truth is thinking about what we lost, will just put us in a position where we would lose other things that we still have. We just need to choose between what we lost and what we stand to lose!

deep is not where you want to be

going under..Deep...
maybe its not that deep...
maybe its not too far...
maybe its not that bad..
maybe its not that sad
Slow down..?
Maybe i can see more clearly..
I need not worry about stoppng for a while...
I can find any easy solution..
'any' would not do for that matter..
but a solution would do..
maybe its close..
maybe i know the place..
maybe i can think right..
maybe it just as easy as it does not look...
Yes i know the way..
i am just going insane..

title-less

sometimes i wonder, what wrong did I do, sometimes i know I should not think so much, since I am who I am. I could not have been better, or worse. I did what I thought was right at every moment. I thought people who you think understand you well would see over your shortcomings and understand the true you. But then again, the practical side inside me shouts at me "you loser, you screwed up everything, stop finding any reasons, YOU are the cause". Just feels like an asteroid from the land of misery just destroyed everything that I had built, all my hopes, my happiness. everything. This continuous blame-hate relationship i have with myself never even thinks of loving myself. Not that I feel sorry for myself, life is a hard teacher. time is a wonderful thing, it takes you to the magic world, where everything is perfect then takes you for a ride, where you crash into all the things that seemed perfect, bringing everything to the floor and you to your knees. why did the magic stop? the only path ahead is a long lonely one. I see no trees, no water, nothing, except barren land that is devoid of any life all around me. may be the earth is just blending in, to what i have become, barren. sometime back i might have been a cure, but now i have somehow turned into a disease that needs to thrown away..
being 'wanted' is such a great feeling, it seems like you have a goal, something to look forward to. Everyone would go their way, I need to go.
pink floyd brings so much of painful relief, though its just coincidental that when things go wrong, there is at least someone who can understand what you are going through. the following lines of this song called "lost for words" by floyd, always bring tears to my eyes.
"Can you see your days blighted by darkness?
Is it true you beat your fists on the floor?
Stuck in a world of isolation
While ivy grows over the door"
well there is no conclusion..this is how life is..this is how things will always be...this is how you will be..this is how people will look at you...after all this is just 'another day in paradise'


Looking for: I'm looking for a life partner who is an open minded individual, an honest person, an intellectual personality, a caring human being and an understandable person for a life time of marital bliss and happiness. One who believes in living life to the fullest and can be a good friend.

let it be me!

This is an amazing song, i had it all along but never heard it, now that i have heard it, it makes perfect sense. There are more love songs in this world than any others, i wonder why....


Song from Enya - "let it be me" (Many have sung this before including Elvis Presley, but this version of enya was the one i loved the most).

......................

God bless the day I found you
I want to stay around you
And so I beg you
Let it be me

Don't take this heaven from one
If you must cling to someone
Now and forever
Let it be me

Each time we meet love,
I find complete love
Without your sweet love
Tell me, what would life be?

So never leave me lonely
Tell me you love me only
And that you'll always
Let it be me

..............

journey.....

his hands moved swiftly, as if it had a mind of its own. you could not see his face, bent over and covered by his long unkempt hair. it had been quite some time since he had played. and it was ages ago that he had actually played this long. his face buried in his long hair looking like a lifeless tree in the night. its amazing how people's imagination takes them where they could never go.
It had been a long day and probably like any other day. they did not need him now. how many times does he have to go through this. This was a paradise sometime back, not anymore. All that he dreamed about, all that he had learned, all the people he had met, all the people he cared for, all the people he
thought were behind him seemed to vanish in a moment.
The sting this time was too much. All he had by his side was his music, music and music. everything else was nothing more than a mirage. the few shots of vodka he had a while back seemed to take him to an entirely different place. life seemed peaceful, like floating away. This was the only time his mind felt peaceful, and he could think straight. It wont take long, he better stop and start listening. the more closer it gets, maybe the music wont sound
sweet. the place was so quiet, he could hear his mind. all the things that go on in that small place, ruined what he was, what he had become and the only way out was the way he went out. The irony was his mind made a decision on this too and he hated it.
Never had he felt this empty, absolutely no longing to go on. It was similar to the feeling one gets when you stand in the center of a shopping center or an airport terminal. You look around and find everyone have their own priorities, a sea of peoply moving all around you, and no one to stop, for you.
people had come and gone, no one stayed back with him, maybe he was too foolish to think someone would like to be with him. Everyone seemed to find better alternatives, but he was happy, atleast he was considered as one of the alternatives, maybe they liked him a little. This thought made his smile and
it felt wierd, he dint know when was the last time he actually smiled on his own.
Finally he could see it coming, slowly he lost his senses in his hands and he felt drowsy. it wont be long now. It was somehow not the way he pictured this, he did not see any of his past flashing before his eyes, nor could he feel any regret, nor was faces of his 'close' ones come before his eyes. He could just hear someone call out his name softly. It felt good, someone calling him felt like he is being accepted somewhere, where, he did not care. his lips turned upwards one last time. One small prayer.
He was thankful for not being allergic to alcohol, the inscrutable pain that he was going to experience would have killed him twice over otherwise. Its a very windy dull day. the storm raging and always threating to hit the coast. the sweeping winds that carry that the ocean along the shoreline as if it had to destroy something.
The last thought in his mind was "life is for living, and I do no want to live it alone" and he felt glad.